Both were sullen and quiet as other people entered to watch the movie. Olivia listened to the soft German whispers. She glanced at Dimitri who seemed a mile away. There was no doubt his mind was on Daniella. It had to be the worst feeling, making love to a man knowing he loved another woman. Guilt, shame and overwhelming disappointment shrouded her once liberated mood.
Soon after the movie began, Olivia started to cry but it wasn't the movie. She felt as though she was watching her own life. Why am I me? Why am I not you? Who am I? The questions were so complex, yet so simple. If the questions were so simple, why are they so hard to answer? The fact she couldn’t answer easily, sadness overcame her entire being.
She didn't remember when sadness annexed her life but she was able to see it in pictures and hear it in her voice. She became crass and blunt. What was it that made me this way? Was it really Trent? I care for him. He is a good man. Is it movies? Is it the fans, the media? There was really no one she could blame her angst; it just existed in her. Numbness arose when there was no release. Sex became unfulfilling. The limelight ceased to excite. Designer gowns did not differ from ten-dollar rags. The movies she made no longer inspired.
Wings of Desire character Marion struck her so deeply—the winged beauty on the trapeze. She flew so high and with ease for everyone to admire but inside she was haunted by sadness and fear. No one saw her pain; she never showed it, yet every performance she thought of letting go and falling to her death. Every performance was a near act of suicide. This is my life, Olivia thought.
It wasn't that no one noticed; no one cared. Trent, her family, agents, the fans, and the paparazzi didn't care if she was unhappy, as long as she continued to fill everyone's illusions of her spectacular life. Olivia Hammond existed only as a reflection for those who wanted to see her.
The mirror cracked when she arrived in Berlin and she was able to see how shattered her life really was. The pieces lay on the floor and no matter how much she wanted to put them back together, they did not fit. She found herself in a huge existential funk and no better place than Berlin. The only thing that sparkled for her was Dimitri. Is he my new love or just an angel to guide me from the mess?
She looked over at him and found him totally engrossed in the movie. Her entire life was on the verge of collapse. Easily, she could call Trent save herself from hardship. She could wave the white flag of surrender.
Turning her attention back to the movie, she watched angel, Damiel witness color for the first time. Colors so vibrant they stirred the soul. It was the majesty of life; she had long been missing. She sighed heavily.
Dimitri looked over and gave her a broad grin. “It’s ochre. That’s the color of my car,” he whispered with thumbs-up.
Olivia gasped out in tearful laughter. A few movie viewers turned gestured for her to hush. He wrapped his arm around her and she sank into him. Pain, despair are just as valid parts of being human as all the happiness and joy in the world, yet they are repressed so deeply until one day it all bubbles up turning life upside down. There has to be a much easier way to go.