The quiet life wasn’t what I had planned for myself, but my life seemed to pan out that way, although on occasion I wished I lived more aloud and in the center of it all. Instead, I exist in quiet life of personal pursuits. Sometimes, I feel like a modern-day Eleanor Rigby, well not so much of a recluse, yet I often sense those people who live such a quiet existence, their lives seem non-existent. Their lives so quiet, we often forget they exist.
 
Who are these people who keep to themselves and live alone without friends or family? We may know of one or several, we may even be one ourselves. They keep to themselves, they stay away from social gatherings, often mocked for their eccentricity. Honestly, the more I quietly pursue my creative expression, I am becoming one of those who people question. “What’s her deal? Why is she so weird? Why does she keep to herself?”
 
Years ago, a psychic told me I was a hermit in a past life and my karma this time around was to come out of shell and spend more time in social settings. No joke. This could explain my preference for the quiet life, as well as my desire to write about characters with reclusive and lonely existences.
 
While writing my book, Rays of Civilization about a woman who tended to a road-side grocery store along a Nevada highway her entire life, I was inspired by the Pearl Jam song (yes Pearl Jam), “Elderly woman behind the counter in a small town.” (And yes, that is the actual title).
 
I seem to recognize your face
Haunting, familiar yet
I can't seem to place it
Cannot find the candle of thought to light your name
Lifetimes are catching up with me
 
My character Georgina Lavigne was once a beautiful young woman who dreamed of marrying a man of wealth and prestige, however, her life turned out to be reclusive. Her main social contacts were travelers stopping in her store, to whom she offered up a good-natured chat. How could this happen to a woman whose life goal was to live in high-society. Perhaps it was karmic destiny, or maybe deep in her heart she wanted the quiet life.
 
Everyone has a story, regardless if they are a popular person with many friends, or the ones who keep to themselves. Actually, I find the quiet ones, those who keep to themselves have the most fascinating stories. They backstories of their lives are like precious gems begging us to excavate, where within we find the core of our humanity – heartbreak, pain, joys, successes and failures.
 
And even in this quiet life, if we are alone, if we have or don’t have a family choosing this life helps gain self-reflection. We learn not just about ourselves, but others. Maybe it’s my own life that inspires me, but what if we invest more in the quiet life, instead of trying so hard to live loud and large. The smallest is still as valuable as the largest among us.

Greetings. This may come off as slightly controversial to some, but hey, my word is just as good as anyone else’s. I don’t often feel the drive to write about writing and publishing, but today I read a post from an author bemoaning her author rank. As someone who has published several books, I was curious. What the hell is that? So, I read on.
 
Now, before I go on, I have been in this game for at least a decade if not my entire life and have tried nearly every book marketing advice and I have finally decided to f*ck that shit and focus on writing. My author platform exists from the numerous books I have written, nothing more and nothing less. My platform is over a dozen of published books in nearly every genre – fiction and nonfiction. Heck, I even wrote a song, which was beautifully recorded. That’s it. And so it goes.
 
While thinking of this woman’s post and reading the good-intended advice I concluded that book marketing is like dating and I suck at dating.
 
In today’s modern era, dating requires a personal bio and an online platform. We answer questionnaires and research potential mates and go on countless dates with people who couldn’t ignite a smidgen of conversation. My response has always been, I have better things to do with my time and surprisingly I am still single.
 
This is book marketing, and well, I have better things to do. My success as an author, resembles my success in romance and I understand why. I don’t play by the rules.
 
Don’t get me wrong, for the highly practical and pragmatic, they are successful most likely in both publishing and romance. They do the research, they put their time in to build readerships and platforms. It works. There is no denying. It’s just not for all authors, not all creative people have the time and the patience. It is just fact.
 
In my current state of rebellion, I think of those who have inspired me. I honestly cannot imagine John Steinbeck polishing his bio, or Kurt Vonnegut struggling to build a platform. Sigh. And so it goes. Or Hemingway researching his competition. Pass me the gin. They didn’t gather around in chat rooms. They didn’t offer to review each other’s work. They wrote not what was expected of them, but what inspired them. They drew on their experiences and perceived their world without concern of their genre.
 
I understand how in this day and age this could be seen as revolutionary, and of course, these men were masters of their craft. Who am I to compare?  Today, we all must adhere to a genre to be successful, we must placate others in a certain genre and be party to cliques. This may sound a bit discourteous, but I participated only to be frustrated with the results. It’s not for me, and I’m sure there are other authors out there who feel the same.
 
Yet I fully understand, in order to win at the game, we have to play it; however, the question remains if so many authors are playing the same game, doing the same things to get
higher ranks to sell more books, we are all just contributing to the same process making it more difficult to stand out and shine and isn’t that the point...to have our babies shine.
 
Breakthroughs come not by doing what everyone else does, but by forging our own paths and the first thing we need to do is separate ourselves from the pack and ask ourselves some basic questions. Why do we spend countless hours writing novels? Is it for fame and money? Is it because we love to write and tell stories? Do we love the sensation of inspiration and getting to know our characters? Is it because we have something we wish to share with the world? And does it really matter what our rank is and how many 5 Star reviews we have? I mean think about it. What is our sole and our soul purpose here?
 
The answer for me is simple. I write because I have to. I write because I would go mad if I didn’t. I write for all my characters nagging me to tell their stories. I write to share my experiences and my perceptions. All else is gravy – the money, the reviews and any sort of fame. But the truth is, I continue to write and will continue to write regardless if I don’t make another penny and I am last on Amazon ranking. And so it goes.
 
Sure, I may sound idealistic in my rebellion and I guess I still believe in the magic of the world of literature and romance. Love can be found in the real world, far away from the online dating sites and pick-up bars and authors and books can be successful without algorithms, rankings and reviews. All we need to do is find the truth in our intention. And when we get down because of low Amazon rank, a bad review or a dreaded rejection, remember why we are writing.

It seems to be my fate. I meet an attractive man. My heart swells and my knees weaken and I’m in love, and then I’m soon to learn he is unavailable or worse, isn’t that into me. One thing I know for sure, I am not alone. Many of us have been crushed by the crush.
 
Throughout my life, the crushes have been numerous and when left unfulfilled, I came crashing down. It felt crushed. This has happened so many times that for many years I have given up on love. Screw that love shit. If I can’t have the one I love, then I will have no one.
 
How is it possible to trust my heart and when she has been inevitably wrong most of the time? How can I continue to feel when I will end up rejected and disappointed?
 
And then damned Cupid pointed an arrow at me once again. He shot me right in the heart as I was greeted by sparkling blue eyes, a wide smile and a friendly hello. Darn it! I was a goner. Here I go again, falling into the miserable abyss of the crush. Darn it heart, what the heck? Why heart, are you so intent on torturing me?
 
The butterflies in my chest carried me away to thoughts of love, a potential new romance, a wedding on the beach in Maui, a new house, two car garage and his and her towels. Yes, a simple hello can take a person from “nice to meet you,” to “I do” in several seconds. Funny how attraction works.
 
This is where the problem lies. The heart and albeit our passions know what they want and they desperately try to convince the brain despite not having a clue as to what they may be walking into. We may not know if our crushes are available - physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. Our hearts and lusts are not aware of any dark baggage our crush may be carrying. For all we know, the object of our desire can be a psycho-killer sociopath, but darn it, those sparkling eyes and friendly smiles. Who cares? Our hearts demand gratification. I want love and affection and I want it now!
 
However, in regards to my current crush, once my initial flutters subsided and weakened knees strengthen my mind was able to get control of my body. My mind not only squashed my hope, it reminded me of my past failures of love and my lack of self-worth.

“Romance,” my mind said, “You’re not attractive enough for passionate romance. This person is way out of your league. What makes you think they will want you? Marriage? That’s a laugh. Do you think you’re deserving of this stud?”  I sulk away to hide from my mind’s callous criticism.
 
Yeah, my mind is cruel like that. I was officially crushed again and not by any form of rejection from another person, but from my own mind. I developed this habit of kicking my heart to the curb before even allowing myself the time to enjoy the sensation of love.
 
If only my desires would be requited, but they’re not. I decided this time around to not only get a hold of my heart, but that haranguing brain of mine.  I have to contain my thoughts in order for my heart not to fall into despair.
 
First, understanding many times the object of our desire doesn’t know how we feel about them. Personally, I am not one to go around and tell all my crushes of my attraction for them. So how can I feel rejected by someone who doesn’t know my feelings? I can’t. Although, stumbling over my sentences, tripping over my feet and my general awkwardness may be a clue. I own my feelings so there is no need to project my feelings of rejection onto another.
 
After meditation and allowing my mind to meander, I discovered unconditional love when it comes to my crushes. I have decided to love regardless of requited, or not. And no, this doesn’t mean stalking. I don’t know where my crushes live. I don’t follow them home and sit outside their houses. I don’t even follow them on social media. My crushes I keep close to my heart but free them of expectation.
 
This can be a novel idea for many in a society which often demands returns on our investments. If we love, the other must love us back and if not, why bother loving? To give and expect nothing in return can be a foreign notion, especially with love.
 
There is no limit to love. It’s a renewable energy and it’s free.  With a resource that is so abundant, why wouldn’t we use it more. In fact, the more we love, the more love comes back to us. So why not give it away freely, especially to our crushes? As the saying goes, “If we love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s ours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
 
This simple idea keeps us from being crushed and keeps us in a place of love. It’s okay to be attracted to attractive people. It’s okay to feel affection for someone we may never have an intimate relationship. Relish in those wonderful fluttering sensations in our chest and the weakening of our knees. Stumble over sentences and by all means be f*cking awkward.  The most important thing is we continue to love, because one special day our crush will have a crush on us and that will be spectacular.

Part of my meditation practice in the morning is to pull a divination card to provide a wise anecdote to ponder over. On one such morning I received the “round and round” card. Great, I get to meditate on my life going around in circles. Immediately I got the message. “What are the things in my life I keep doing that hinder my progress as a human being and my own happiness?”

I have spent the majority of my life in a career that doesn’t inspire me, or as some may say, “serve my soul.” In fact, at times it makes my heart ache.  I suffer anxiety, paranoia and depression. Which begs further questions, why do I say in a career that is emotionally and psychologically damaging? Good question. And the answer is an easy one – fear.

Like many people, I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of failure, and more so I am afraid of how failure would appear to my self-image. What will people think of me if I fail? I admit. I fear my own self-image and judgments of others more than my own happiness.

Few people like falling on their face especially in front of others, although I have literally done that several times.  I am clumsy like that. But ironically, it is easier to pick yourself and move forward with a bloody face, than a broken heart and bruised ego.

So here I am, with so many others on this crowded roundabout of life wondering where the f*ck is my exit. How do I get off and more so, which exit do I take? With so much uncertainty in life, do we dare take the risk, or continue to wallow in the comfort of mediocrity?

Here is where I suggest we begin. Instead of hugging the interior of the roundabout, get to the outer lanes. We may still be going around in circles, but at least we are giving ourselves a better perspective of other avenues. We get to see the opportunities which lay ahead. Not all exits will be our path, but they will open our minds to possibilities we never considered.

Next, get off the roundabout. Check out an exit, regardless if it will be our final destination. What if the route we choose is fraught with peril. Again, answer simple. Turn around and go back. Here’s the deal, we can always get back into the roundabout. We can always continue to circle until something better comes up, but we’re never going to know what’s out there for us if we don’t get out of it from time to time.
And while we continue to the circle the normal routines of our lives, invest in new hobbies and invite in new friends. These small and simple changes in our lives is what sparks the big changes and brings our close to our goals.

It is guaranteed there will come a time when we exit off the roundabout for good and continue down the journey of our dreams, but just remember, even then a new roundabout is on the horizon. It’s not that we are circling and spiraling, it’s that we’re expanding down different avenues.